I've long found the UFO phenomenon fascinating, mainly because it's so wacky -- particularly the whole abductions caper. But I've always looked at it from a very rational point of view, and never believed any of it. Lately, however, my fascination is becoming less detached. I keep looking at the sky, hoping to see a flying disc. I watch alien abduction docos repeatedly, and find myself thinking, "Maybe there's something in all this... I mean, these people really seem to believe this happened to them!"

Gawd. It's disgraceful. Why am I feeling this way? I reckon it's to do with all this anxiety about terrorism. When you're scoring dangerously high on the angstometer you keep yearning for some sort of certainty, a spiritual Prozac pill to calm your troubled psyche. If you're an atheist, you can't turn to some old bearded bloke up in the ether. You have to settle for a bug-eyed, spindly-fingered, dome-headed mega-midget from Zeta Reticuli.

I really hope that this Saddam-Osama problem is solved quickly. Otherwise the angst will take its toll and I'll soon end up being one of those credulous boneheads hocking Roswell conspiracy theories! With my brain sufficiently softened, I'll be sucked in to all this anti-American hysteria that's been going on of late. Gawd. I might even end up at some anti-WTO demo, babbling bilious bullshit with a friggin' tea-cosy on my bonce!

So, I dearly hope that Saddam complies pronto, or gets comprehensively thwocked in the shortest time possible. That will be a giant step towards saving the world from terrorism. It will also save my mind from complete and utter disintegration.

Gawd. Derek Sapphire has just accused me of ruining his blog. What a crock!

Hey, Derek, you jasmine-scented super-wanker! Considering all the bullshit you've been spinning over the last few months, have you considered your blogging troubles might be the result of bad karma?

Oh no, of course you wouldn't have. Whenever smug lefties and New Agers have it rough, it's never their fault. Then it's oppression or persecution. But whenever anyone else cops it, then it's cosmic punishment for wrongs the victims have committed.

Hey Mr "fellow traveller", I hope your PC catches that "Sapphire worm" that's crashing computers all over the joint. Hell, it's got your name on it.

Fluffy wuffy arsehole.